Holier Than Thou

I would take a lopsided blow-out, any year, but there is something so very sweet about breaking the Ute fans hearts year after year in the closing seconds of the Holy War. BYU 26, Utah 23.

Beautiful, from every angle.

Irritable Bowel Week

I get diarrhea this time every year.

Unforgiving bubbling in my guts and pinched buttocks are the calling cards of the week leading up to the Utah game. And each year when the game is final, I promise to put the game into perspective for the next year so I don't have to worry about future brown-spotting—but I never follow through.

So, I've decided to give in. I don't want to put the game into perspective. I like hating those wankers up north. It's part of who I am. But what has my interest now are the reasons I hate the Utes and more importantly, their kingdom of wife-beating-asshole fans.

I didn't go to BYU so I have no academic loyalties, and I'm sure there are thousands of great people I would would want to call "friend" who attend or attended the U. In fact, I have 3 close friends who did attend the U.

Great guys.

I think it all comes back to the scientific data I entered earlier as evidence: Utah fans are assholes.

Throughout the week I will be posting evidence of what Ute fans have given the world—other than syphilis.

This just in...Monkey's are still hilarious.

I'm too busy working to write-up a proper post. My apologies to all the people who call me and discuss my posts, but never leave comments.

BYU 35, Air Force 17

New Mexico Football.....

New Mexico's American Football team, take note: This is how the World's Football is played by women at the same University you've been humiliating all year.

NM is more terriblerer than any team in college football— including every sub-division school—except St. Margaret's School for the Paraplegic and Blind. They're just quitters.

Proof of Fail.

In December of '08 NM hires up-and-coming coach, Mike Locksley.

In May of '09, Locksley gets hit with a sex discrimination law suit.

Three weeks later NM gets put on probation for recruiting practices untoward that of decent.

In September of '09, Locksley attacks an assistant coach which results in a 10 day suspension for Locksley, without pay.

So far this season, NM is 0-9, scoring a total of 138 points while having 329 total points scored against them. That works out to a disastrous, NM Opponent 36.5, NM 15.9—we'll say 16 to lift their spirits a bit.

Now, the task at hand.

BYU looked great against a much improved Wyoming team, last week. There's always the talk of BYU overlooking a bad team, especially with Air Force and Utah coming up, but I don't think that will happen here. What I'm hoping for is for BYU to jump out fast, making the game out of reach for NM, that way we get to see more of Riley and his scrambling-googely legs.

BYU 49, NM, 17

Also, am I the only one sweating and blushing while watching the video above?

Uncertainty in Laramie

My first thought was to try and go deep—philosophically speaking— and make mention of a "storm on the horizon" or something extremely clever, like that. But puns are stupid.

No pun intended.

While staring at the photo above, I found myself thinking of all the hurtful things I could say about Wyoming and their fans. There's the predictable route of calling them white trash. Too easy. I could talk about how they celebrate their lack of hygiene or for that matter, their lack of wherewithal while at football games. I've witnessed first-hand 2 Wyoming fans' courtship (the male let what appeared to be a female chug from his beer hat), engagement (mustard pretzel around her chubby pink finger), make-shift union (mutual friend hugging the both of them, totally smashed telling the bride-to-be she has nice cans), consummation (memory blocked), and relationship supernova (they split on account of differing views on camo for the hunt)—all in the first quarter of the game. It's like their fans go to the games more for the opportunity to show-off their fresh kill, not-so-covered by a tarp in the parking lot, than to actually watch football. While in the stands, their entire existence is bent on ruining the game for every person within earshot, eyeshot or nostrilshot. They offend nearly every sense and my hunch is they probably do, as I can only imagine how sticky they are to the touch. And sticky on a person never tastes good.

Now, I could have taken the low road and written about all of those things, but I have too much class for that, (Thanks Huckabee) and really, it would just be me taking out my frustration on the most disgusting pieces of crap to ever crawl out from under a rock, OH HOW I HATE THOSE FROZEN TUNDRA SHEEP LOVERS!

Instead, I'm going to fall back to the philosophical thread.

Take notice of the wall of cloud in Laramie in the photo above. That's what I see in my mind when trying to picture the outcome of this game. Future unknown. Insight blocked.

I'm a Cougar fan to the end, I just don't know what team I'm cheering for, anymore. The team that beat Oklahoma, or the team that folded against TCU? Make no mistake, whatever team shows up, I will be in their corner until the end, shouting words of encouragement from the stands, and the occasional advice to guys who miss their assignments (because fans know everything).

I do not feel entitled to any wins. Bronco owes me nothing, and BYU's wins and losses aren't a reflection on my personal happiness. It's pretty simple, really. I only want to see the team play with excitement. It's fun to watch a team who's having fun, win or lose.

Well, that, and I'd really like to see the Wyoming fans take a sound thumping as they are a blight on existence.

Pun intended.

Andy Dalton's Coming to Town

Aside from ESPN's College Game Day setting up shop in Provo—and a game between two top 20 teams—fans in Provo will be treated to the family-shattering antics of an ugly red head, this Saturday evening at LES.

Why does this get me excited? It doesn't, it makes me frightened.

Any person with commonsense can tell you redheads are unpredictable. If you see one with a smile on their face, they've either just started something on fire, or about to. Follow a trail of tortured cats and broken family mementos and you'll find a sobbing redhead at the end of the line, cutting himself on his thigh or cornering a cousin to force a kiss upon.

They are not to be trusted.This brings me to my point in this post.

Andy Dalton has shown several times this year his ability to be ineffective on the field. Plane Jane, Vanilla, stand-up comedy from a female—what I'm trying to say is, most times, he's pointless.

But beware the curse of the vitriol-filled redheads. They don't have blood like you and I. Coursing through their veins is hate, pumped by a rotten tomato in the place where a human heart should be. Though the point could be made that they are different than normals(valid), it's more of a true statement to say "They're something else, something different".

The ugly redhead is not easily discouraged from the task at hand. If you're their cousin, and they want to kiss you...pucker-up. If you have a shirt they think will look better on them, it's best to disrobe, the shirt is coming off anyways, it's just a matter of whether or not it resembles a shirt once the freckled hands hold it as their own. Redheads destroy, and that may happen on Saturday night.

TCU has a solid D, no question, but it's going to have to be their offense that wins the game. Our "O" can put points up on anyone, but the game will be won if our defense can handle the redheaded hate-mongerer. If Dalton can manage any kind of offense, I think the Cougs are in trouble.

That said, it's time for my prediction.

BYU 27 TCU 22

GO COUGS!

Asstec Predictions

I'm the ultimate optimist, so it worries me to feel a little paranoid about the SDSU game. With TCU coming up next week it could be very easy to look past tomorrow and have a poor showing, by eaking out an ugly victory. I think we'll get a very honest look of what type of team the cougars are this year, tomorrow. If they show up and TCB (tackle carriers of the ball) then we truly have a team more focused than last year, and that bodes well going into the final stretch.

I'm siding with my optimism, BYU 48 SDSU 17.